Every Teen Counts
September 1997


Making the Most of Talking to Teenagers

Are you really trying to find out what’s on your teenager’s mind? Are you willing to take the time to find out what she’s thinking? Here are some thoughts to help you communicate better:

  • Set aside enough time to deal with the subject at hand — whether it takes fifteen minutes or two hours. Don’t let television or the telephone interrupt. Give your teenager all of your attention.
  • Listen to everything your teenager says. Talk to her face-to-face and be sensitive not only to her words, but to the way she looks and how her voice sounds as well.
  • Ask questions and try to see why she feels the way she does. In return, ask her to be patient as you tell her your thoughts.
  • Choose your words carefully so she understands you. Tell your teenagers exactly what you mean. For example, if you want your son home by five o’clock, say "Be home by five" instead of "Make sure you are home before dark."
  • Give praise and approval to your teenager often. Make sure she knows you are proud of her as a human being, not just of what she does. Teenagers usually worry about disappointing their parents or making them angry...and losing their parents’ love.
  • Speak to your teenager as an equal. Don’t talk down to him.
  • Listen to your tone of voice and how you are talking to him. What is your "body language" saying? Sometimes it says more than the words you use.
  • Don’t pretend you know all the answers. And when you’re wrong, admit it. Don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry if you make a mistake.
  • Set fair rules and limits, and try always to enforce them the same way.

Finally, never lose sight of who this teenager is. . .even in the hardest times. . .continue to make the extra effort to keep the communication flowing — even when you feel your teenager is not helping much.

Adapted from Caring for Your School-age Child: Ages 5 to 12, ©American Academy of Pediatrics (Bantam, 1995).

When You Want to Talk…But Your Teenager Doesn't

"My parents don’t really talk to me. They talk at me, so I just tune ‘em out."

"It’s impossible to have a conversation with Samantha! I love her and I want to know what’s on her mind, but she switches off and shuts me right out — it makes my blood boil!"

For teenagers and their parents, the physical fact of living under the same roof is no guarantee that the parties involved speak the same language. Sometimes they have trouble speaking at all. This is especially troublesome during these years when it’s important to discuss all the issues that lead to decisions about college and careers.

How Do You Communicate?
Teenagers frequently complain that although their parents seem too busy or stressed out to listen, they manage to find the time to lecture. There’s more than a grain of truth in this accusation. Against every better instinct, parents do get in the rut of issuing instructions (Don’t forget to feed the dog.), accusations (You’re always picking on your brother!) or name-calling (You lame-brain!) — all of which cause adolescents to feel angry, embarrassed, or sad. To maintain self-esteem — the most important and the most fragile part of your teenager — it’s not surprising that some adolescents strike back by looking away, shrugging, or claming up.

A Different Approach
So how can a busy parent communicate with a teenager without coming up against a brick wall? To dramatically improve your chances of success, try changing "You" statements into "I" statements. "You’re so irresponsible, how could you leave the front door unlocked?" can be rephrased: "Sam, I was really upset when you left for school and forgot to lock the front door. It gives me the creeps to think that anyone could just walk into our house." Notice the change? Rather than attacking your child with an emotional statement, you simply describe his behavior. Then, still without name-calling, you state your feelings and show what the consequences might be. The result? You’ve focused on the problem and you’ve shown your teen that you respect and trust him - even if you’re annoyed at what he did. You’ve shared your feelings and you’ve created an opportunity for him to respond without feeling personally attacked. It’s not easy to rephrase comments using "I" instead of "You" — particularly when you’re angry or frustrated — but each time we do, we chip away at the barrier of defensiveness and open the way for dialogue.

Find a launching pad
What about those occasions when all you want is a simple conversation with your teen — no instructions, no conflict — just a normal, everyday chat? Are you met with a blank stare? A frown? A yawn? This is adolescence at its most irritating, but there is still hope if you can keep your wits and find something — anything — that’s likely to generate a spark. No matter where you are together, you can get the ball rolling simply by keeping an eye out for interesting possibilities. Even a question such as "What’s the new movie supposed to be like?" or "Who’s the person on the cover of that rock magazine?" can offer your teen a chance to comment, explain, and interact with you in a way that’s comfortable, not confrontational. As one father points out, whether he brings up the subject of a sports figure, a news event, or a popular song, his goal is the same; to find a neutral base from which he and his daughter can launch a conversation — even if it lasts only a few moments. Those moments add up over time.

Keep the door open
With all the uncertainties of adolescence, one thing’s sure — nothing stays the same for long. If it’s difficult to converse with your teenager today, bear in mind that many a sullen and closemouthed creature has evolved into a perfectly normal, conversational adult. In that spirit, it’s up to us, the grownups, to continue to seek a communications wedge, even when the door seems to be closing in our faces. Keeping it open a crack is all we really need.

Talk About Tough Subjects

Back when our children were small, who could have imagined what life would hold for them? —The pressures surrounding sex, alcohol, and drugs; a bewildering array of messages, choices, and consequences.

While it’s a rare parent who doesn’t want to say, "Let me help you sort things out," we also recognize that our children’s need for independence grows as they do. And talking about touchy subjects can be especially difficult when teens tend to tune us out.

A recent New York Times/CBS News poll, however, highlights adolescents’ continuing need for family communications and guidance. According to the poll, 40 percent of teens said their parents were unavailable, weren’t communicating well, or didn’t spend much time with them. What can parents do?

Create Time to Talk

Driving a teen to soccer or to meet her friends at the mall may seem like just another chore, unless you recognize it as an opportunity to talk. Of course, you may have to get the conversation going. Try telling your child a little about your day or inquiring about her friends, before asking her how things are going.

If you aren’t available to chauffeur, try to make a "date" on a regular basis to do something you both enjoy together, like cooking, hiking, going to a concert or museum. Once you’re accustomed to time alone together and have created a comfortable level of sharing, try approaching a touchy subject.

Do Your Research

"Before I discuss topics like sex or drugs with my son," one father says, "I do a little homework. Often it’s as simple as checking the phone book for hotlines or asking my doctor to recommend some pamphlets. If my son is not willing to discuss a touchy subject, I can still give him a number to call or an article to read. And, of course, I tell him I’m always available if he needs my help."

Avoid Confrontations

Don’t mount a personal attack, deliver a sermon, or convene a family conference to open a dialogue on a touchy subject. No matter how serious the subject, it’s important not to be heavy-handed or focus exclusively on your child.

Say you’ve read an article or heard about a troubling situation from a colleague or a friend. Share this information with your teenager; then ask her opinion rather than offering yours. Suppose you’re discussing AIDS, and you mention that many people feel "it can’t happen to me." Has your child heard similar opinions? Do her friends discuss AIDS among themselves? What are some strategies to stay safe? When a teen feels that the two of you are exploring a subject together, she’s likely to share her own thoughts.

Teens Helping Teens

No matter how well we communicate with our children, adolescents inevitably find that some topics are off limits to parents. One teen interviewed in the New York Times/CBS poll shows the kind of problem this presents, "One of my friends has a drinking problem...I try to talk to her, but she says, ‘You’re acting like my parents.’ I want to get her some help, but I’m not really sure where that would be."

To support young people helping others, businesses, churches, and schools are offering training and funds for peer mediation. One successful program in Allegan County, Michigan got its start seven years ago after a number of teen suicides shocked the community.

A collaborative effort of the county schools, community mental health, and substance abuse agencies, the Peer Assistance Leadership (PALS) program provides intensive 18-week training in problem solving and mediation for students who will listen to others and guide those in trouble to information and resources.

Within the first year of operation, referrals to PALS counselors doubled. Since then suspensions and expulsions from school have dropped. Best of all, there have been no more teen suicides.

Peer counseling programs in no way attempt to replace family guidance and values but instead offer information and resources when teens won’t turn to their parents. "Since we began PALS, our schools have a more caring atmosphere," says Dr. Marcia McEvoy, prevention specialist at Allegan County Community Mental Health. "Students are beginning to see school as a safe place where people will help."

® For more information, contact PALS, (616) 673-6617

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